im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
