It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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