explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
