Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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