My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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