My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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