I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
