I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
