happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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