just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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