I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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