I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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