Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
