I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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