I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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