Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
is it fun? or sober?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
