I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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