Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
