Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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