FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
