I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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