thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
