when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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