Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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