Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
