what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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