i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
