I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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