he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
