made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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