apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
