She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
