omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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