when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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