you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
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