You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
