I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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