I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
