please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
