I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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