There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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