I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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