My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize