chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
