I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
