i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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