Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
