I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
