Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
