Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
