me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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