I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
