After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
