he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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