I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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