I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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