I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
