her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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