I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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